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CRaZyiKeReNe
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Name: Irene
Country: United States
Gender: Female
Interests: sports...reading, movies, sleep, anything to kill time...
Expertise: PROCRASTINATION! not that i should be proud of it...laughing uncontrollably...
Message: message me
AIM:  crAzYIkErEnE
Member Since:
11/11/2003
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| I've been home for almost a month now...and it's getting easier everyday...miss my friends less, and able to deal w/ my family more...this has been the most emotional summer for me, of all times...and it's hard for me to deal w/ everything...it's hard enough w/ each individually, but it's especially hard when they're all combined @ the same time...
major boy problems, gotta study for DAT (which i haven't started...), starting summer school in a week, applying to dental school, trying to pick up my spiritual walk, getting along w/ the family (especially w/ mom...), etc...i just feel like i'm always drained, emotionally and physically...i know i should be more productive, but i just feel so exhausted...
going to taiwan in less than a month, and i don't even know if i want to travel at this time...but i guess it'd be a good change of scenery, whether or not i want to...i just hope everything works out at the end...
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| i have a feeling this semester will be a disaster, if it isn't already...definitely not all here, emotionally, mentally, and wutever else...probably physically too, but that's most likely because i'm old...hahahaha, jk...but for someone who's as big on the "mental game" as i am, i know for sure i'm not feeling motivated at all, and i've lost all my connections, ppl who either make me angry, or make me feel good, or just ppl in general that make me want to do something one way or the other...now i'm just simply, sitting...no other way to describe it...i'm kinda just looking @ how ppl are being fools, and i'm not even proving myself like i would in other situations...i'm just looking @ them, and looking @ myself, and just looking...usually my competitive nature kicks in, and if they're better, i strive to be better, if they're not better, i tell myself i will be better by a lot so nobody will mistake me for something like them...now i'm like, oh they're good, or oh that sucks for them, but no relations to my own life, like it's practically nonexistent...failed 3/5 tests this semester so far, that's a very destructive trend, and i don't even know how to correct that except by studying more...but all my studying buddies have disappeared from my life, and there are seriously nobody in my life that aspires me to do better...those ppl in my past, whether the presence of them in my life was for the better or for worse i won't get into that now, but somehow they make me want to do better, they make me want to prove myself, impress them, disprove their judgment/preconception of me, etc etc...now whether i've fell into the abyss of not caring or i've grown too comfortable, or i've just lost all feelings, wutever the case, i somehow still care that i'm not doing well, but not enough to actually take action...this is my cry of help perhaps, but i cannot think of anyone who cares enough to carry me through...i've always been the one to carry other ppl, it's disappointing to see that i'm quite friendless despite everything that's happened...
maybe i'll turn soccer pro instead, except that will never happen 'cuz i'm too old and not nearly skillful enough, and nobody wants to see me play, i don't even want to see myself play...my nonchalant attitude has actually carried over to soccer, which is the most terrible thing ever...i no longer care much if another player is showing me off...i'll have boosts of strengths and show everyone a portion of what i used to be like, then i'll just simmer down and play like a freakin' 10-yr-old...there's just no freakin' motivation anymore...there's absolutely no determination to speak of...there's the goal, but it feels like it's impossible, so there's no determination to reach that goal, when there's no hope, there's no motivation...ah, therein lies the problem, i just realized...i have no hope...maybe that's where i'll start w/...
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| it's been 2 months since i signed into xanga...it seems like they changed a lot of the format and stuff...here i am, doing physics hw, preparing for my last physics midterm tmr morning...sore from playing soccer...still haven't cracked my DAT studying...i feel like my chances of getting into the dent school is very slim right now...and einstein's theory of relativity is whack...i mean yea, he's definitely a genius to ever think of something as ridiculous as this, but com'on why do i ever need to know this?! and plus most of these calculations aren't even possible except in VERY VERY special circumstances...parents/sisters are going down to l.a. this weekend, so i'll have the house all to myself, and enjoy some very needed quiet...i like to be by myself, as much as i love going out and hanging out w/ ppl...i just want to be alone most of the time and do wutever i wish without ppl making noises...recently found these ppl that play pick-up soccer games @ phhs...went twice so far, still sore from last friday...but it was definitely very enjoyable...i think soccer is the one thing that i enjoy the most, when i can just go out there and run and focus on how each pass can be so beautiful, be motivated to perfect my own game, to just forget everything and just run/sprint/tackle...and i definitely laugh a lot when i play, of course sometimes i growl a lot too, but that's not exactly bad...either way, soccer is almost the only place where i feel content to be who/where i am, and motivated to push my limits until i drop  ...it's really an exhilarating feeling, i don't think i'll get enough, ever...probably some kind of addiction as well, but wutever  ...and yes, here i am thinking about soccer, when i have other much more "important" tasks at hand that i should be concentrating on if i want to avoid the impending doom...*sigh* i suppose i'll get to it...
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| things to do this summer:
Dental School Application DONE
Letters of Recommendation 2/3
Transcripts 1/2
Studying for DAT NOT DONE...
Physics @ SCU begins 6/18
Evolution of Dinosaurs begins 6/25
i got a car...drive places myself now, even though i'm still very confined to my parents' strict policies, basically i don't go anywhere besides shadowing, library, or church...or if my parents want to go somewhere then i can take them...haha...
pirates 3 was lame...so was spider-man 3...fantastic 4 was good though =) can't wait for harry potter 7!!! hahaha...
started practicing w/ church worship teams, and they might be able to work my violin into a few of the services...right now i'm just trying out the improv stuff on keyboard and violin...we'll see how it goes the next few weeks...hope summer school doesn't get too busy...and haven't really done much for DAT at all...should get a move on by now...
annie's bday today, went out w/ dr. chang and his family...his 3-yr-old son roy is SOOOOO cute!!! i love playing w/ kids! so innocent and joyful...they're just so awesome! i'm gonna have some kids to play w/ later hahaha...
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| so i've always considered myself one of the most forgiving, caring, easy-going, and loving person i know...but i guess that isn't something that really counts...there's soo much to change and i learned so much on the lesson of loving...lots to ponder and reflect =)
my trip was not without adventures...flight was one of the 2 that got canceled, got rebooked multiple times to actually get a boarding pass, to which the flight i missed, got rebooked AGAIN! ended up staying in the airport for over 26 hrs...and finished a book in less than 12 hrs over 3 cups of pepsi...and i don't even LIKE pepsi...oh well, wutever...got to go to cincinnati, even though it was like the briefest 30 min layover, i'm glad i don't actually live there, 'cuz i think i'd really freeze...hahaha, us spoiled california brats...home is good, and getting a new laptop is always exciting =) starting on my plan to study for the DAT, we'll see how well that goes...time to bed! | | |
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